Rantings of a Black Polemicist

Baked Goods

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004 | General | 2 Comments

We’re working at getting pregnant. I guess keeping the electric blanket cranked up all night is a bit counterproductive. Starbucks warns us that their coffee is hot, so where’s the warning label on my blanket?

Caution: Use of this product may bake your goodies and render you sterile.

Night Terror

Sunday, December 19th, 2004 | Personal | 5 Comments

The other night I experienced some freaky blend of a nightmare and sleepwalking that kind of scared the shit out of me.

I went to bed around 1am and my night owl wife worked away in the office. An hour later she heard me shrieking at the top of my lungs. She figured I was just overreacting to a spider or something, but grew concerned when I started trying to break down the bedroom door. As she watched it coming apart, she feared I was being attacked by an intruder. She opened it and there I was with a terrified look in my eyes, still screaming at the top of my lungs. I quickly snapped out of it after she kept calling out to me.

I just remember standing there in our bedroom doorway, confused. Paint and wood chips were scattered across the floor. My hands, right knee, left foot were bruised. I’d beaten the door like it had stolen something from my mom. What just happened here?

I could only remember that I had felt like something or someone was trying to kill me right there in my bedroom and that I needed to escape. In the last few months I’ve had nightsweats or awakened suddenly, sobbing or screaming.

Apparently, I’ve been having “night terrors” which are linked to stress. We’ve just started looking at new houses in the area and “decent” and “affordable” appear to be mutually exclusive. A connection, perhaps? Our last realtor told me that one of her customers broke out in hives a month before closing.

When my time finally comes, I hope I don’t scream like a banshee. That wasn’t cool.

I’m metrosexual. And?

Sunday, December 19th, 2004 | General | 5 Comments

I spend far more money on clothes than my wife does.

I like it when my boxers match my outfit.

I spend more money on hair in a month than my wife does in an entire year.

I use a moisturizer on my face that prevents my T-zone from getting too oily.

I know what a T-zone is.

My beauty products take up more space in our bathroom.

I steam my face once a week.

I’ve had a consultation at the Clinique counter.

I have a lint brush at home, in my car and in my desk drawer at work.

When we pick up our drycleaning, my clothing outnumbers my wife’s by at least 5 to 1.

Sometimes I look at myself in the rearview mirror while driving to work listening to Outkast’s “So Fresh, So Clean”.