Rantings of a Black Polemicist

Curse Insurance

Monday, September 6th, 2004 | General | 51 Comments

I was minding my own business when Evangelist Kerney Thomas sent me a second letter. You may remember the first one .

It’s come to my attention that I’ve got one of those pesky “generational curses”:

So he hears voices. I’m a bit concerned that the voice is still naming “Perry” when mine is “Melvin”. Even if the data entry person screwed up, I’d think that God would get it right. Mr. Thomas is certain that I’m going through a difficult time in my life right now. At the present time, it’s quite the opposite. Hmm, smells like a fishing expedition to me:

Here it comes, the setup. All those bad things in my life will go away if I do what Kerney Thomas tells me to. (gasps)

But wait, there’s more! If I act now, God will alter my genetic makeup so that I don’t “die of the same diseases that my parents, grandparents or great-grandparents died of”:

Superstition reaches a whole new level as he leads me to chant “Reverse the curse” three times. Is that all you have to do? Just make it rhyme, say it three times and tack “In Jesus name” to the end of it.

Thomas didn’t forget to throw in a new ritual for me to perform. He’s got a number seven printed on the back of one of the letter’s pages. I’ve got to put this “Number 7 Prayer Page” in my pillowcase tonight and sleep on it. But again, it’s important that I only do it for one night:

When I send Kerney back the “Number 7 Prayer Page” I’m also instructed to… (drumroll please) send him money! I’m to make sure I send a “Seed of Faith” in an amount that contains the digit “7″. I wonder if he returns checks written for nice, round numbers? Well, apparently his math is a little thrown off. If I “double a 7″ and send $77 its implied that I get twice the blessing. To get a triple blessing, send $777. Maybe my Bachelor’s degree in Math gives me an unfair advantage here, but 3 x $7 ain’t $777.

Where’s the Federal Trade Commision when you need them? Clearly I’m being offered myriad solutions for all my problems in exchange for a sum of money. The more money I give, the more I’ll be blessed. Am I the only one that clearly sees deceptive trade practices in place?

Ah, but it’s all in Jesus’ name. Thomas isn’t rendering any service, but promising that he’ll ask God to do so. What if I send Thomas money to request that God alter my genetic makeup, but still died from diabetes complications? My family’s civil suit would fall apart pretty quickly. There isn’t much of a paper trail to confirm that a request was in fact sent to God on my behalf. God doesn’t do court appearances to testify to whether or not He recieved the request from Kerney, and if so why I was permitted to die thinking that I wouldn’t get diabetes.

Evangelist Kerney Thomas, like so many of his kind, has the veil of blind faith to hide behind as he carries out his little scam. You gave but still aren’t being blessed? It’s because I don’t have enough faith. It’s because you’re doing something to hold the blessings back. Or the catch-all, God works in mysterious ways.

The solution to your problem lies at its source. Broke? Find the direct cause and work to fix it. A “Seed of Faith” sown in the Kerney Thomas Machine does nothing but line his pockets and distract you from the real problem at hand.

Here is the entire letter Evangelist Kerney Thomas sent me: