Rantings of a Black Polemicist

Instant Gossip

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004 | Personal | 4 Comments

Instant messaging adds a whole new dimension to office gossip. The boss’ ineptitude can be communicated in great detail to a commiserating colleague from the comfort of your own desk. This is much more convenient than gathering near a cubicle wispering to one another, then scattering like kitchen roaches when he’s spotted coming around the corner.

My last job had an open floor plan. Our desks facing low partitions, our backs turned to management so they could peer over our shoulders periodically. Ah, but we had instant messaging. I can still remember the day our manager was finally fired for his incompetence. Some unfamiliar executive from the top floor came down and pulled him out of his corner cubicle. We appeared productive, but in fact were wildly speculating as to whether or not Mr. Inept’s day had finally come. When he packed up and left the office for the last time, we all cheered - online of course. To outsiders we looked like little busy bees at our desks.

Now that the nameless Fortune 500 Company I consult for has bought this place, it’s only a matter of time before the executives smell something bad down here. When will they unload the dead weight? By what date will this inept manager get the boot?

I should find a way to manage office wagers online.

Sweet Utterance

Friday, August 27th, 2004 | Personal | 3 Comments

The arrival of fall brings so many wonderful things. Brightly colored foliage on the trees. Brisk, cool breezes that make your nose tingle. Manolo Blahnik’s Fall collection.

As I’ve mentioned before, I think I may have a problem saying “no”. Not to people, but to the shoes themselves. They speak to me. They have a hold on me that I stopped trying to fight a long time ago.

During my lunchbreaks here in downton Philly, the streets are packed with Beautiful People buzzing about. Summer heat, sandaled feet. It’s rare, but sometimes I’ll spot a woman strutting in a pair of beauties that may function as high heels but are in essence, works of art. I think she’s initially alarmed when some strange man approaches her and starts asking questions about the shoes she’s wearing. “Who makes them? Where did you get them?” But she smiles when I thank her, remark on how great they’ll look on my wife and move on about my business.

Last week, my wife told me she’d seen a pair of Blahniks that grabbed hold of her while in Neiman’s. I told her of a pair had called out to me from the pages of Neiman’s online store. Lo and behold, we were talking about the exact same pair of black 4″ pumps, aptly named “Utter“.

Utter is exactly what those shoes did. To both of us. God, how I love Fall.

“Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina Speaking”

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004 | Personal | 6 Comments

I’m already going mad.

Now I remember why I refused to get a job before.

Office politics. I didn’t realize consultants were supposed to “play their position” and let the full-time goons run the show. That wouldn’t be so bad if they actually had a clue. It’s like I’m on a ship with a bad leak. The captain has an elaborate plan for the crew to throw the water overboard with buckets. I step up and politely suggest fixing the leak. I’m ignored and given a smaller bucket. Meanwhile, crew members are praised for how much water they throw overboard. Nevermind fixing the the leak.

How much ice does one need? The guy in the next cubicle likes to pour a big styrofoam cup of ice water every day. That’s fine. But there’s a lot of ice. He likes to swirl the cup around every time he takes a sip. It sounds like morocca player is rehearsing alone. Rattle, rattle, rattle

Keyboard assault. Contrary to popular opinion, slamming each key down as you type out some personal email is not a victimless crime. I may end up spearheading a new victim’s rights organization, Developers Against Malevolent Misuse of Information Technology (DAMMIT(Developers Against Malevolent Misuse of Information Technology) for short).

Looking busy. I’ve got 6 months to do 2 weeks’ work. I’ve been doing job interviews lately, but how many “Doctor’s Appointments” can I pretend to go on?

Paranoia setting in again. Important decisions are made behind closed doors. There’s talk that one of the full-time guys will be “helping out more”, even though there’s no real need for him. Is he replacing someone? The head-goon-in-charge keeps walking past my desk for no apparent reason. Why? At my last job I had a rear-view mirror on my monitor to prevent people from creeping up behind me. It’s harder to do with a laptop, but I’ll figure out something.

The magic is lost. The routine is driving me to the brink of madness. Again, the movie “Office Space” comes to mind.

That didn’t take long.